ROTATION: The order in which customers of karaoke establishments will sing, usually determined by the order in which customers make requests to sing and altered by additions of customers arriving later at the establishment than others. If used correctly and ethically, time on stage will be allocated fairly to all people who wish to sing.

SUICIDE: When a singer performs a song he or she has never performed before.

HOMICIDE: When a singer performs a song he or she has never performed before (see suicide), and knows from the very start that the performance will be quite bad.

VIRGIN: A person performing on a karaoke stage for the first time ever in his or her life.

FAKE VIRGIN: A person performing on a karaoke stage for the first time in his or her life, but has sung in front of audiences before (i.e., was in a band, in choir, in opera, etc.)

BATHROOM BREAK (also known as “SMOKE BREAK”): A song, whenever performed, no matter how well performed, induces a customer or customers to head to the bathroom, outside, or anywhere else from the karaoke singing space.

LIQUID COURAGE: Any alcoholic beverage that facilitates a singer coming up on stage.

MILLI VANILLI: A singer that goes up with another person, then won’t take the microphone, and just stands there and mouths the words the whole time.

PROJECTION IMPAIRED: When a singer sings so quietly that a KJ has to turn the mic up to the point of feedback.

KARAOKE ALZHEIMER’S: A singer turns in a song, then 5 minutes later has to come up and ask the host what they put in.

GHOST SINGER: A person who puts in a song, promptly disappears until after they are called, then mysteriously re-appears.

DEDICATION: Any ballad sung in the hopes of gaining female companionship for the evening.

KARAOKEPHOBIA: When someone is so scared of karaoke, that they push the book away from them as if it were an odious thing that will metaphysically transport them on stage if they open it.

KARAOKE TERRORISM: Drafting another person to sing without their knowledge.

DRAFT CARD: A request slip with someone’s name on it who has not volunteered to sing.

AUDIOPHOOL: Someone who knows nothing about audio, but always tries to tell the KJ how to run the sound…”hey, can I get some reverb, maaaaan?”

CAVE DWELLER: Someone who wraps their hand around the mic, thinking it looks cool, completely unaware that it makes their voice sound like they’re singing “Aqualung.”

Welcome, fellow singers! As a Vocal Instructor and Coach who finds the Karaoke scene a wonderful venue for practice and genuine fun, I would like to discuss a bit about the basics of singing and tone production in this first column. From now on, though, this is YOUR column. Ask whatever vocal questions you wish by contacting me: Melohawk@aol.com (or sending your questions to: San Diego Scene Magazine) and I will answer them in this column.

* * * * * * *

*Do you know the basic anatomy of singing? Are you aware that YOU are the instrument? How you are, physically, will determine how well YOU the instrument perform.

The larynx, our “voice box,” is simply a valve that keeps us from choking and allows us to breathe freely. Its job is to keep food from going down into our lungs. When you suddenly have a fit of coughing because “something went down the wrong way” it’s because the larynx is doing its job. Something you swallowed went into the larynx instead of down the esophagus and into the stomach. So, the vocal folds (chords) snapped shut and sent a message to your “cough control” to expel the invading agent - RIGHT NOW! Of course, being that we are noisy, curious, human animals, we found out we could make sounds with this “voice box” and we started to use these sounds for primitive songs and communication.

The vocal folds are commonly called the vocal chords. However, that misnomer suggests they are individual strips of tissue, somewhat like rubber bands . they are not. The vocal folds are two very flexible pieces of muscle tissue attached to the cartilage box we call the larynx which is part of the esophagus. These folds come together and vibrate with the least puff of air coming from our lungs. This vibration is what makes the sounds we call singing and speech.

Since these folds can’t produce a sound without the air from our lungs, we need to look at the way we breathe. Between the lungs and the stomach is a muscle called the diaphragm. It is a wide band of tissue that curves downward towards the stomach when we breathe and pushes up against the lungs when we exhale. It is our control valve and allows us to ration how much air we want to use when we sing.

The intake of air is governed by the amount of pounds per square inch is pushing on the outside of your body at any given time. When you inhale, you allow the diaphragm to curve downward towards the stomach, creating a vacuum inside your body, and air RUSHES in. When you exhale, you use the diaphragm to push the air out of your lungs. We can use this knowledge to increase our air capacity and to use the air wisely in our singing.

Look for Carolyn Hawks’ column again soon.

For those who are starting out on the karaoke circuit here are a some helpful hints we think might just make you a karaoke star or at least help you get the most from your karaoke performance:

1) Be honest with the karaoke host/hostess, and tell them if you are a karaoke “virgin”, or just new to the song you’re attempting. Usually their experience and electronics can make anyone sound at least passable.

2) Use professional microphone techniques. Most karaoke microphones have a dynamic cardiod sound pick-up pattern. This means you will generally get the best sound quality from your incoming voice if you put the ‘mic’ perpendicular (90-degree angle) to your mouth as you sing. DON’T sing across the mic as people do on TV, or you won’t sound as loud. Pull the mic slightly back from your mouth during any super-loud moments in your song (it’s not just for show…), and then move it closer during softer passages. DON’T blast out your fellow patrons with volume, but DO exploit the full dramatic potentials. Do not ever: blow, spit or yell into the mic. Do not bang or hit it either. Since most wireless karaoke mics cost around a few hundred dollars, you probably would not want to be forced to pick up the tab after ruining one!

3) Sing from the diaphragm. Besides technique and melody or pacing problems, this is one of most difficult areas of singing (karaoke or not) to master. Try to use your entire lungs, rather than just taking shallow breaths forced out of the throat. Try standing up to sing, as you’ll be able to breathe deeper.

4) Sing within your vocal range. While someone who is still evolving may sing mid-range slow songs like, “Your Song,” a pro male singer might also try “At This Moment,” and a bravura female may ask: “Don’t it Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” It’s just a matter of realistic awareness of your voice and past singing experiences.

5) Don’t be afraid to ask the KJ to raise or lower the pitch of the song (speeding up or slowing down the song, making it sound like it was recorded for higher or lower vocal ranges). Sometimes you’ll have to practice the song several times before you know exactly what the right key is for your voice.

6) Use your body. Karaoke is more than just singing the right words on pitch at the ‘right’ speed with good mic technique. Karaoke is also a visual performance medium. Work the room, but don’t be a ‘tree’ stuck to one spot on the stage, but move around. Take command of the space around you. Don’t be a ‘bird,’ but instead use your arms to express the underlying emotional theme of the music.

I was almost one of the next “Beach Boys.”

I remember one summer afternoon in 1963 at the YMCA after swimming, my friends and I found ourselves in the recreation room. Someone had left the piano unlocked. After a couple renditions of Chopsticks, Hearts And Flowers and Louie Louie we proceeded to write our first hit song. This song sounded a little bit like Surfer Girl by the Beach Boys, but we changed the words and spead it up a little. Well a lot. After that we figured the song was legally ours.

Our new musical group never went on tour. It never even left the recreation room. However, we had a lot of fun. Writing our own songs and imagining what we were going to do with all those groupies.

Karaoke gives many people an opportunity to follow their own dreams. Occasionally two singers will sing a duet. Or a group of people will jump up on stage and sing together because they are too shy to get up alone.

There can be a lot more to singing. Karaoke offers the musical background. You the singer can do what ever you want on top of it. Change the words, change the melody, bring in your harmonica or make up harmony parts just like the Beach Boys. Find a song that was done by a harmony group. Listen to the harmony parts and try it your self. Or find a song that was never a harmony song at make it so.

Harmony comes naturally to some and not so naturally to others. Keep listening and you will get it. If you can’t, maybe someone else in the group can. They can then teach the part to you. Harmony can be memorized as if it were a melody. In fact it is, simply another melody.

It is a lot of fun getting together with your friends, practicing harmonizing to favorite songs. Once you have it together bring it to the club and show it off. We’ll look forward to hearing your song.

So you think you want to be in karaoke contest…and you think you deserve to win. Ok. Maybe you do…..but if you haven’t come close to taking home that first place trophy or check yet, you might do well to heed some of the following advice.

First of all don’t expect to win it all based solely on your voice. In most contests I’ve judged there are generally variations of the same three criteria….Vocal Ability, Stage Presence and Audience Response. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but if it was just about singing, there would only be one category, yes?

Rule #1. Choose your song carefully! Most often a performance is gonna be made (or not) by the song you choose to sing so it stands to reason that you ought to actually sing a song that showcases your talent(s). I have a motto that I go by, if you don’t make me cry or send chills down my spine then you will not get a 10 for vocal ability. It’s tough, but I believe it’s fair.

Rule #2. Don’t pick an unfamiliar song. It automatically puts you at a disadvantage. If it’s a song the judges know even slightly then they’ll be able to more readily tell if you actually have command of the song. Don’t make the judges search to see if you have the requisite range and control.

Rule #3. Don’t pick an overdone song either. Chances are good we’ve heard it done by someone else and done better. A slightly familiar song brings some fresh air to your performance while everybody else is doing the “same old thing”.

Rule #4. Keep it short…no long songs. Hit hard and run. A judge’s attention span is short.

Rule #5. Stay away from simple ballad type songs (such as “My Way”) because songs of this kind (as sweet as they might be) have no change in the melody, have no complicated parts to them, and have been done so many times, that people are bored with hearing them. A ballad is fine, however, IF there is some drama to it. Try to pick music that has a lot of changes in it…not the same thing over and over. If you are going the ballad route- make sure it is a song that shows strong vocal ability and ends in a nice strong or high note.

Rule #6 Vary your performance throughout the song. A show stopping Broadway song can easily be overdone if you maintain full throttle from beginning to end. Even the best voices get boring if there is no change in volume and intensity. And the last thing you want to do is bore the judges!

Rule #7 Have some fun with the song, whatever it is…props, costumes etc. are a good idea. I’ve seen many contestants win because they were the only one who seemed to be having a good time out there, while others seem to be taking it too seriously. And please note: if you sing to the monitor and not the audience, you will get no better score than average from me in Stage Presence, no matter how awesome your voice.

Rule #8 Move around! Don’t just stand there. If you are lucky enough to get a wireless mic, use it to your advantage! Remember no matter how good your voice is, that’s usually only 1/3 of the score. But do try to keep in character with the emotional range of the song. No one prances around the stage while singing “Lady In Red”.

Rule #9 If you have an opportunity to pick your position in the contest….go for next to LAST. That’s “pole position”. You will be fresh in the judges’ minds, and you will have gotten to see what you’re up against. That way you can also vary your performance from what you’ve seen others do so you stand out from the crowd.

Rule #10 And, whatever you do…whether you win or lose….be gracious afterwards. If you don’t win this time, you might next time. I may not remember if you were cool about not winning, but I’ll certainly remember you if you weren’t.

In summation, Karaoke is an art form and it is a performance art. But it’s also entertainment. And at a karaoke contest YOU are the entertainer! Karaoke contests are very much an effort to hammer a square peg in a round hole due to the subjectiveness of what people like and what they consider to be good. It’s almost impossible to judge karaoke because it’s almost impossible to judge art.